Is My Mom Jealous of Me? Managing Parental Jealousy

Is my mom jealous of me? If she asks for what you have, compares her life with yours, or objects to plans that leave her out, she may be. Parental jealousy is human and usually quiet. Once you can spot the behaviour and your own reaction to it, you can choose a response that makes caring for her easier.

When people finally say it out loud, they say it very quietly. "I think my parents are jealous of me." I hear this sentence often. Most people are ashamed to admit it to another person. Some are ashamed to admit it to themselves. If you have wondered the same thing, you are in good company, and asking does not make you ungrateful.

Parental jealousy is human, and it is usually quiet

Here is how I describe it. Parental jealousy is when parents compete with us for the things we are good at or can do today, that they could not do when they were younger. The behaviour is usually couched in nagging criticism, demands, or words that minimizes our accomplishments.

Parents often want to live the dreams they could not achieve while they were independent and raising their families. They expect their children to help fulfill those dreams. Very often that is no longer possible. This creates a sadness and tension between the parent and the child that neither of them talks about. It can build resentment on both sides too.

Philosopher Iskra Fileva explains why this happens in Psychology Today: "Children are seen as what the parents could have been or should have been."

Iskra Fileva, Ph.D., Psychology Today, 2021.

There are two kinds of parental jealousy. The obvious kind comes with open hostility, and people recognise it and find support. The quiet kind comes as advice, comparison, or a request that seems a little odd. Most people miss it, so it shapes how they behave for a long time before they see it. This post is about the quiet kind.

Therapist Imi Lo writes in Psychology Today that parents "can also experience resentment, anxiety, or even moments of envy toward their children." She adds: "While this might sound unsettling, it is entirely natural."

Imi Lo, MA, Psychology Today, 2025.

I have not found a study that measures parental jealousy toward grown children directly. What exists are articles and essays like the ones linked in this post, and many people's stories.

Psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, writing about his own envy of his children, describes it as envy "that mingles with pride and genuine happiness" for their success. He concludes: "I think a certain amount of envy for your children is normal."

Joseph Burgo, After Psychotherapy.

A worried parent helps you plan. A jealous parent makes you doubt your choices.

Jealousy and worry can look alike at first. A worried parent asks more questions about your planning, your style of work or your image. They push you to think more and plan better. A jealous parent sounds different. It comes out as subtle criticism, as downplaying your success, as reminders of what they sacrificed, or as comparing their abilities with yours. The difference is subtle, and it is real.

Four behaviours to recognise, and the reaction each one sets off in you

The stories I hear fall into four patterns. For each one, here is the parent's behaviour, the reaction most of us fall into, a different reaction, and what that change gets you.

In these stories, mothers more often want what their children have, and fathers more often compare work and position. Either parent can do any of these.

Psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson, writing for parents who feel jealous of a successful grown child, says this is "more common than you think." She also notes it is "quite common between fathers and sons and also between mothers and daughters."

Tina Gilbertson, LPC, Bottom Line Inc.

1. A request that follows your good news may be competition

Their behaviour: You show your mother the makeup and the bag you bought for your 40th birthday. A few days later she asks for a Dior red lipstick, matching nail paint and a Louis Vuitton bag. She uses a wheelchair, and she has no occasion coming up where she would wear any of it.

Your usual reaction: "My mom always loved dressing up. Let me try to give her what she wants." You are used to providing for her, so you start working harder to pay for it without really noticing. In the story I hear, the daughter pushed so hard for sales and commissions that her manager asked her what was going on. Her behaviour with customers and coworkers was not her best.

A different reaction: Ask why she wants it before you rush to get it. If the request came right after she saw what you bought, she may be competing with you. Step back, stay steady, and look at what she actually needs. Bring her that, and make a kind excuse for the rest.

What it gets you: You stop pushing yourself to keep up with her requests, and your work goes back to being your own. You are now back to being the queen at work!

2. Your dad's experience of life is not yours to live by

Their behaviour: Your father lives with you, and he watches you work late on a major client project. At dinner he says, "You need to stop working and do things with your family. I have worked in your position too. I never let work consume me." He retired two steps below the role you hold now, and the work has changed since. He compares the two jobs anyway.

Your usual reaction: You explain, or you argue. The next morning you rush yourself and your team. One team leader put it this way: "I feel like I am being unreasonable." In my experience, the guilt from that disapproval shows up at work first. What I see is that it can lead to poor management and burnout across the whole team.

When did you last speed up at work because of something your parent said at dinner?

A different reaction: Notice how your work pattern shifts after the criticism at home. The client deadline is real, and the comment at dinner may be what is setting your pace. Remind yourself of what is important to you, and create a support system for that.

What it gets you: Your pace at work is set by your work and your plan, and your team is no longer rushed because of a comment at home. It lowers your resentment and cortisol levels! Ha!

3. "Celebrate with family" can mean "we never got to do this"

Their behaviour: You call your parents overseas, excited about the getaway to Switzerland you have planned with your husband for your 25th anniversary. They tell you that you should celebrate with family instead.

Your usual reaction: You justify your decision, to them and to yourself. Then you try to make everything perfect before you leave, so your team has all it needs and no one can fault you. The disapproval keeps repeating in your head at work. Everyone around you sees trip stress. Underneath it is one question: "Am I being selfish?"

A different reaction: Notice when you are trying for perfect. You might be hiding the emotional stressor underneath it. Step back and name what your parents' comments made you feel, then move forward with that understanding. If what you hear is regret, meet their regret with their achievements from your memory, even if it is a small one.

What it gets you: You can take the trip you planned without the push for perfect, and their comment stays their feeling rather than your guilt. You can finally be the grown up you always dreamt of!

4. You can honour their dream and still plan a trip everyone enjoys

Their behaviour: You start planning a vacation with your teenage kids and your parents. Your parents say they have always dreamed of going to Banff and never could, so they want to go there. Your father has a heart condition, and your mother cannot walk much. The kids want to go out and trek. Your parents would be sitting around the hotel.

Your usual reaction: You feel angry at the demands, and then stuck. In the story I hear, the arguments about the vacation made the son feel mean. A friend told him to leave his parents at home if they did not agree to his plan. Arguments and ultimatums do not work, and over time the anger can turn into caregiver resentment.

If you have felt caregiver resentment building toward a parent you love, you may find this post useful: Same City Caregiver Resentment: What It Actually Means

A different reaction: Parents can ask you to fulfil wishes that are no longer practical. They want what they want. Be the adult in the room. Look for a compromise that allows them some control, so they feel they have a choice. In the story I hear, the son chose a Disney park in Europe, where the kids could enjoy themselves and his parents could visit something of their own interest. Then he gave his parents brochures of European cities and asked them to pick a favourite to visit after the Disney park.

What it gets you: You get a plan that every member of the family can enjoy. Without it, the trip would have been filled with anger, and a waste of money and time. Now, you can have your cake and eat it in peace!

One yes does not make a parent jealous. A pattern of them is worth noticing.

In an article for Parade, psychologist Dr. Golee Abrishami lists signs that a mother may be jealous of her child's success, including "Minimizing achievements" and "Unfavorable comparisons."

Ashley Broadwater, Parade.

Seeing the pattern gives you a choice

In all four patterns, the usual reaction is to explain, argue, give in or try harder. The explanation is logical, and it rarely lands, because parental jealousy is more about emotions than anything else. We have to figure out how to deal with their emotions, and with our own.

The first step is to accept it without shame. Your parent's jealousy can sit alongside real love for you, and noticing it says nothing bad about you. Then step back and get curious. Three questions help:

• Which areas of your life are they jealous of?
• How do they express it?
• Why do they wish they could have done it?

From that steady space, other responses become possible. Sometimes you can say that a choice will be good for the family, or for the family's finances. Sometimes humour and care work better, and you let your parent try what they can do rather than directing them. The aim is a steady way of caring for your parents while allowing them their own freedom, including the freedom to feel what they feel.

This is different from a parent who never acknowledged anything you did. If that sounds closer to your situation, read The Father Who Never Looked Up.

And if your own anger has been surprising you lately, this may help: Why Is Coping With Elderly Parents Making Me So Angry?

In my coaching, this is the work we do together. We start by seeing clearly what is happening between you and your parent. Then we look for the choices you did not know you had. Then you come back to the person you are outside this role. I call these steps See Clearly, Create Choice and Recognize Yourself.

Asking whether your mom is jealous does not make you ungrateful

Asking "is my mom jealous of me" makes you honest about something that is affecting your work, your family and your health. The quiet kind of parental jealousy is human, and it is common. Once you can see the pattern and your own reaction to it, you can choose how you want to respond.

Which of the four patterns did you recognise, and what would you try differently this week?

Written by Sarika Kishore, ICF PCC, FMCHC. Coach for working professionals with aging parents.

Frequently Asked Questions

Key Takeaways

• Parental jealousy is human and common. Parents can feel jealous of a grown child's success, freedom or choices they never had, while still loving and being proud of them. Noticing it does not make you ungrateful.
• The quiet kind of parental jealousy often follows one of four patterns: asking for what you have, comparing their work with yours, objecting to plans that leave them out, or wanting your plans to fulfil their dreams.
• Each pattern sets off a usual reaction: giving in, overworking, justifying, chasing perfect or arguing. Left unseen, these reactions push people toward burnout at work and caregiver resentment at home.
• Seeing the parent's behaviour and your own reaction gives you a choice. Stepping back, staying steady and looking for a response that gives your parent some control works better than explaining.

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