It Hurts, But I Understand!
An interview, a comment about my hair, and the sentence I didn't say.
November 16, 2026
My friend whispered shyly, "Have you ever felt that your mom was envious of you?"
I burst out laughing when I heard this.
Yes, I have wondered! And yes, I have noticed it too.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not talking about toxic jealousy that can send you to a therapist with issues with self-esteem.
I am talking of a more subtle and nuanced envy. It shows up when our mothers correct our styles, resume, how we speak, or even the decisions we make. They want to help us live the best life. Their version!
I told her about an interview I was preparing for, with my mom in attendance. I was focused on reviewing my skills and experience. My mom honed in on my hair and makeup and was giving me pointers to improve!
She talked about her plans for a vacation with friends, to visit the ancient ruins of Peru. Her mom was focused on how her travel plans were rubbish, and she needed to be a better planner!
Both of us felt awkward. And we noticed a tiny-weeny hint of envy.
My mother had never worked at a job, and always felt she had missed out. She was living out her dream through my success: proud, but wanting me to be good at what she was good at too.
Her mom was never able to travel alone, with friends. She went with family.
My dad asked me, when I was leaving home for the interview, if I was OK. He probably saw the annoyance and nervousness on my face.
As usual, I said, "I am fine, thanks!"
I controlled my frustration and left for the interview.
On the way, I did deep breathing. I went over my skills and my interview questions again, so I had something to think about other than my hair. I listened to a motivational speaker to pump up my self-esteem.
I took a winner's pose!
That is a lot of work to undo one comment about a hairstyle.
Picture it. A grown woman with a resume in her bag, breathing deeply on the way to an interview, because of her hair. I did a winner's pose before I had won anything. I did it anyway.
My friend and I laughed for a long time. Two grown women, comparing notes on our mothers' notes.
Then it got quiet. It is awkward to admit that your mother might envy you. Parental jealousy rarely sounds like jealousy. It sounds like help with your hair, or help with your travel plans. And the help is more about her than about you.
You do this too. Someone you love corrects you right before something big. You smile and say you are fine. Then you spend the drive putting yourself back together.
What does your parent correct the most: your look, your plans, or your work? And what did they wish they could have done themselves?
Here is what I wanted to say that morning, and never have.
Your criticism is hurting my confidence, Mom.
I don't say it because she means it as help. To her, the way I look shows how well she raised me. If I said it, she would hear that her best effort was the problem.
So I take the pointers. Then I do my breathing on the way.
The Steady Hour. An hour to put it down. It is free, and there are three a month.
This month's blog is about parental jealousy and the four quiet patterns it usually follows. It has the research behind it, and it uses words I don't use here.
https://sarikakishore.com/blog/is-my-mom-jealous-of-me-managing-parental-jealousy